When life is "good" and circumstances seem favorable, I tend to ignore the fact that the only reason I am even breathing is that God is allowing it. My end of our relationship becomes "stale" and commonplace as I drift into the Sea of Complacency. Sometimes the need to daily seek His face and allow Him to direct my thoughts can seem like a straight-jacket rather than an awesome privilege to which I have NO claim outside of the atoning blood of Jesus Christ. My list of daily offenses stack up, unnoticed, because I self-righteously consider myself to be doing "okay". My soul will be starving and I won't realize it.
When a person overindulges in tasty (yet nutritionally bankrupt) dessert, he cannot be tempted by even the most delectable foods. Artfully prepared, nourishing--even exotic--meals are neither appreciated nor desired. In fact, the thought of eating anything might even create a sense of nausea.
Yet, when I find myself empty, broken and particularly burdened by worldly distractions, doubt and shame, this is also the time I am most willing to look to God for His comfort and direction. Although there have been many tear soaked, soul-crushing days over the past few weeks, God has been faithful. The agony of feeling so utterly alone (even while being surrounded by people) creates an intense desire to fall on my face before the Lord--begging Him to show me my errors so that I may confess them and allow Him to cleanse me and take away the pain. When He answers my cries and directs me, He also provides not only the willingness to obey, but eager anticipation as well.
It is during such times of spiritual anguish that my vision clears and I can better see how powerful, beautiful and loving my God really is. And how pathetically sinful and helpless I am in comparison.
His presence is like a drenching rain on a parched desert floor. His purifying touch can be both excruciating and soothing. His strength and magnificence become blindingly obvious when the world looks dangerous and hopeless.
I realize the Treasure He is to me as my Savior, Friend, Father and Lord.
My appetite has returned. The famine is over. Communion is once again sweet.
9 comments:
wow... I have thought that you describe me...
I love you.
It is such a privilege and a blessing to be your sister.
I am so glad you are where you are right now. It is times like this when God holds us so close, when we utterly surrender so He can flow through us completely, that help us realise what we could be having, whenever we start to fall asleep in our relationship with Him. And if ever, or whenever, this cycle comes around again...I have noticed that the periods of slumber become less frequent, shorter and more disturbing, our neediness for a deeper relationship becomes more desperate, and His love is revealed to us in new ways that make us shake our heads at what we thought we knew before.
Hi ladies :)
Natasa, I believe that many of us go through this at times. Interestingly, the "world" says we should never feel pain, never be ashamed of unwholesome feelings/thoughts, never apologize for who we "are". (Unless, of course, you happen to be a Bible believing Christian!) We are offered distractions via entertainment, "personal fulfillment", "charitable causes", various physical addictions (the Bible calls this "lust" and idolatry), and mind and body altering medications. But no real help. As much as it can hurt to have to face the reality of the ugly things that are in me, I am learning that it is part of the cleansing and growing process of following Jesus.
Karina, I love you too! And agree that it seems as the desire to follow Jesus grows, so does the frequency (and intensity) of the "down" times. I am also becoming far more aware of the need to not self-righteously JUDGE other Christians who are truly seeking the Lord but are not where I am. It can be SO easy to clearly see something that is TRUE and God has graciously shown me---and then turn around and try to cram it down everyone else's throat. Of course, this doesn't excuse me from humbly speaking out when a fellow Christian is obviously, Biblically wrong. But it does create a need for me to double and triple check my own heart and motives before I do so.
Mary,I really do appreciate your friendship and your son's blog type/blogger type assessment. When I first read it, I was offended. While my natural self tends to "thrive" on controversy, I consciously do not want to be that way. Neither do I want my blog to radiate the message "I love ME". I suppose much of my posting is turned toward the second option, though. MY thoughts, MY struggles, MY family. But my ultimate goal is to leave ME behind and for people to see Jesus.
I can only shake my head about the "types" of bloggers. Someone else might be able to categorize me, but I fit all three descriptions on some occasions--and none on others. I am assuming this is an overall "composite" view that he is suggestion.
Upon reading your blog and posts,I can see how you might fit into his third category. But that is me looking from the outside--I am certain you are a much more complex individual!
It always is a relief to have depression lift so you are able to ACT on whatever it is God has shown you. You are so right that we cannot listen to (and try to please) EVERYONE. That is not what the Bible says we are to do. We are to fear God alone and adhere to His teaching rather than someone else's personal convictions. This is SO hard for me.
When I get down, my emotions are washed everywhere with this bit of information or that person's teachings. I realize I am not obeying to the best of my ability so I want to do anything that anyone suggests is "TRUE" obedience--hoping that God won't strike me dead where I stand and send me to hell.
I'm only exaggerating a tiny bit.
And then I have to accept that I have to live where I am and in the way God directs ME. I need to burn the idols He points out, give up the selfish thoughts and behaviors He shows me. Submit to and respect MY husband rather than someone else's. And pray as though my soul (and those of the people I know) depends on it. Ask, ask, ask for insight and direction. And if I am shown something is out of line, then I need to both trust that God will provide the way of obedience and then be ready to DO what He says. Not so difficult when I read it. Impossible when I take my eyes and heart off of God and HIS will.
We attend a "house church" that has become too large to meet in anyone's home. Right now, we are renting a building. When weather is good, we sometimes meet outside--at a campground or somewhere.
Hi Heather, Oh, how this post speaks to me today. Don't you just love how God can do that..you wrote it awhile ago, yet it still ministers! Thanks for this.
It kind of goes with what I posted today.
Blessings,
Michelle
www.shelookethwell.blogspot.com
Did I read that you guys 'house church'? Us too, sort of...long story ;-)
Hi Michelle,
Thanks for stopping in to comment!
Isn't it amazing how God will speak to us through the experiences of other believers?
Yes, we attend a group that started as a "house" church but got big enough that we currently rent a meeting building.
I've been peeking in on your blog but haven't read your newest few posts yet. You get them up faster than I can follow!
Mary,
I'm glad to hear your son was light-heartedly poking fun at bloggers. Still, his assessment made me realize that I need to be very careful of the image I project. After surfing across a few comment war zones, I can see that there are people who really do fit into his "types". I know I need to be extra careful as I tend to become judgmental and argumentative without even realizing it.
Heather
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